Here is the whole story if you are interested in reading it. It is a bit long...but I wanted to write it down, so I would not forget.
As most of you know, I started having contractions on Friday night. They were very painful because I had no amniotic fluid. My doctors said there was nothing they could do unless they came closer together. Finally the night before the c-section I couldn't stand the contractions any longer (plus I hadn't gotten any sleep for a few nights). Jon and I went to the hospital and they admitted me because progressing quite a bit. They gave me some drugs to try and slow the contractions, but they didn't think I would make it to the morning. By a miracle, we were able to hold them off until the morning and I was able to have my c-section at the regularly scheduled time (which was important so all the doctors would be there). I was overjoyed by this triumph. I just knew it was a good sign!
When Rex was removed I could see him in the anesthesiologist's goggles. I saw his dark hair! However, he didn't cry and I knew right away that was a bad sign. The NICU team worked on him for what seemed like an eternity! Finally they called Jon to come over and they wheeled Rex by me. It was only for a second and I could barely see him. I heard the nurse say "We have to go, he is very sick."
I can barely remember the rest of the afternoon because I was SOO loopy from all the drugs. Jon is convinced the doctors really doped me up, so I would not worry about Rex. I was seriously talking nonsense! Jon was able to visit him throughout the day, but the doctors were always working on him, so he couldn't get very close. Apparently they wheeled me up there at some point to see him, but I can't even remember.
That evening the doctor came down to tell us that Rex was not doing well at all and we should go say our good-byes. We were able to visit with him for a few hours. We touched him, kissed him and told him how much we loved him. He was absolutely perfect. We were also able to have him baptized, which makes me so happy. It was a sad, but beautiful ceremony.
The doctors decided to try one more thing for him. We were there for the first dose of medication and things started to improve a little. The nurse told us to get some sleep and they would call us after they knew more after the second dose. On the way to our room we saw the doctor and he seemed optimistic. We went to bed so hopeful!
Then around 4:45 in the morning, the doctor called and said we needed to come up because he was not doing well at all. We again spent time with him, touching him, telling him we loved him. Then the nurses asked if we want to hold him - of course! They took him off the ventilator and put him on a manual one. Both Jon and I were able to hold him, talk to him closely and kiss his sweet forehead. It was so wonderful and I am so very thankful that we got to spend that time with him. Finally the doctor said that baby's heartrate was slowing down and if we wanted to stop the manual ventilation. As much as I didn't want to, we did and after a few more minutes he left for heaven while still being rocked in my arms.
We had arranged for NILMDTS to come in around 7AM, so after he passed I helped the nurse bathe him and dress him (in his Super-hero onesie and Chargers MVP cap!). It was so wonderful to finally see him without any tubes! Once he was dressed and wrapped, I held him until the photographer came. We had a wonderful photo session and I cannot wait for the pictures. After the photo session, Jon and I held him for a little bit longer until we finally said goodbye for the final time. I miss him so much, but realize he was very sick and is now pain free in heaven.
Jon and I truly believe that Rex was Pher coming back to us. We just cannot get over the fact that he passed EXACTLY one year after Pher. I thought it was a miracle that Pher's angelversary of July 21 was between 37-38 weeks and when the doctors wanted to deliver me. When we were asked our preferable c-section date we asked for July 21st, but it was full, so they gave us July 20th. But even if we hadn't scheduled it then, Rex was ready to come on the 20th (hence the contractions!) We truly believe he wanted to meet us and feel our love (and perhaps get a proper name)! We also believe he wanted to give us comfort in our decision for Pher. I now know both our sweet babies were very sick. We truly believe our little angel came back and fought hard until the end for his mommy and daddy. What a wonderful miracle he is? We feel so proud. Finally, I believe all the prayers and positive thoughts did not go unanswered, but just answered in a different way. They helped us to realize how special our babies really are and to be at peace with everything.
Obviously I miss Pher and Rex so much it hurts. When the nurses told me that I could hold Rex for as long as I wanted, I asked "forever?" If I could, I would have! My love for him is immense and I am sometimes overwhelmed by grief, but I do find comfort in thinking that Rex was Pher coming back. I truly feel like the luckiest mommy in the whole world!
I also feel so lucky to have had all of your support through this journey. Thank you to each and everyone of you.