Our Baby Pher Molly Bear

Molly Bears is an amazing organization that provides weighted teddy bears to grieving mothers (at no cost).  I ordered one for Baby Pher soon after we lost him and I received him a few weeks ago!  He is so precious and snuggly.  It is so nice to have something tangible to represent our sweet baby. I have also ordered one for Rex and am looking forward to getting him one day.

Please take a moment to read The Molly Bear Story. It is a wonderful story of turning grief into a way to help others.  They are truly inspirational and I hope that one day I can do something like this. 

 Sweet Baby Pher Bear

A daily reminder

Something wonderful that came out of the heartbreak I endured this year was the creation of new friendships.  The connections I have made with other women who have also lost a baby is utterly amazing. Their stories, words of wisdom, support, and encouragement helped me through my darkest of days.  Their friendship is very special and will endure a lifetime.

One of these wonderful women gave me the most meaningful and special gift, and I wanted to share it with everyone.  She lost her first son to a kidney problem and really understood everything I was going through.  Her support and prayers have meant so much to me.  Well, we got the chance to meet a few weeks ago.  During our chat, she gave me a silver eternity ring with the following Bible verse engraved:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

I wear it every day and if I am feeling sad or defeated, I can simply look down and read the message.  It is so comforting.  The smallest things really can make the biggest difference.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have so many amazing friends and family supporting me.  Thank you to each and every one of you!

Remembering the boys during the holidays

I wanted to share the special ornaments that we'll be putting on our Christmas tree this year.

The first two I had personalized by a local business.

The silver ornament was given to us by All Children's Hospital's Pastoral Care Department.  Last weekend they had their annual memorial for the children who passed this year.  Unfortunately, we could not attend because we were out of town, but Rex's picture was included in the presentation.  Thanks to generous donors, each attendee was given an engraved ornament as a keepsake.  Little things like this really mean so much!

The ugly truth

Many people have said that they have been impressed by my positive attitude and optimism.  While I appreciate the compliment, I feel I owe it to my readers to tell the truth.  Especially since one of the main reasons I started this blog in the first place was to share my experience, and hopefully help someone else in a similar situation.  I would not want someone going through a hard time to read my blog and think “I just can’t be that positive,” and then feel badly about their own attitude.  While, I do try my best to focus on the positive side of things, this is not my mood most of the time.

Losing a baby is hard.  You lose so much more than just your child.  When we lost our two sons we lost celebrating birthdays, decorating the Christmas tree, the first day of school, baseball games, prom pictures, weddings, grandchildren…the list goes on and on.  Every day is a reminder of what will never be.  We will never get to experience life with them, and that’s hard.

Dealing with the aftermath of a loss is hard. Life goes on, of course, and I get caught up in my daily routine, but then something happens and it brings it all back.  I thought I would list a few of the little things that do this. 

The other night, I was lying in bed (apparently digesting dinner) and I had a twinge in my stomach that felt just like Rex kicking.  This happens from time to time and it makes me miss him so much.  I remember when his due date was approaching, I was so worried.  I knew he was safe inside me…bouncing around…giving me heartburn.  I wanted to keep him in there forever.

Dates are now just reminders of what has been lost.  November 30^th is when I found out I was pregnant with Rex.  I was overwhelmed with joy.  We had been told that Pher’s kidney issue was a fluke, so we were so hopeful for our healthy baby.  Thinking about how much has changed since that day makes me sad.  December 19^th – Pher’s due date.  We should be gearing up for our son’s birthday.  Instead, we have lost another baby. 

Seeing infants is really hard.  I wish it wasn’t, because I love babies, but I can’t help but think of my own.  I avoid friends with babies and I have half of my Facebook friends blocked because seeing pictures of their babies is too hard.  Sometimes I get online and force myself to look at the pictures (desensitization therapy!)  I try to remind myself that one day I’ll have a cute, chubby, happy baby too.  It is really hard to believe it though.

Getting asked the question – “do you have kids?”  Apparently this is a common question for a young couple (I guess I didn’t really notice it before).  This one really stings.  A few weeks back Jon and I were at a baby’s 1^st birthday party.  There were kids, babies and pregnant women everywhere!  I was so proud of myself for even being there.  Then we started talking to this sweet woman who had her three month old baby (the same age Rex would have been).  She started making silly faces at her infant. Then noticing we didn’t have any kids around us she said “You don’t have kids, do you? You must think I’m crazy-acting!”   What do I say?  This was a stranger…I’m not going to depress her with my sob story at a birthday party!  But at the same time I feel extremely guilty when I don’t acknowledge my boys.  I felt this same guilt often when I was pregnant with Rex.  I would get asked by strangers all the time “is this your first baby?”  Again, what do you say? 

No one said grieving would be easy.

Balloon Release

October 15th is a day dedicated to all of the babies who are so deeply loved and desperately missed.  On Saturday evening, we took a moment to remember them and the families they left behind. I hosted a balloon release at Crescent Lake Park.  It was a lovely event with amazing families. 

It was quite overcast, but all of the balloons floated toward a small spot of sunlight in the sky.  Once the balloons were no longer visible, the spot of sunlight disappeared.  It was really beautiful!  I know that all of the babies are enjoying their notes!

Walking to the release spot

Getting ready to release

Release!

There they go

 

PKD Walk in Pictures

Proud parents of Sticky Bean

Great friends!

Team Sticky Bean learning about the Survivor Games

Team Sticky Bean!

Jackie, Brett, and Tara playing the first game

Kelvin playing the second game

Game Three - unravel the frozen tshirt

Ft. Desoto - the view from the Walk

A PKD Walk supporter

Walking for PKD!

See you next year!

PKD Walk

The PKD walk was a huge success!  I will post pictures soon.  I just wanted to say thank you so much to all of our friends who came out to walk and all of our family and friends who donated to this cause.  We appreciate the support more than you know!