Monday, November 21, 2011

The ugly truth

Many people have said that they have been impressed by my positive attitude and optimism.  While I appreciate the compliment, I feel I owe it to my readers to tell the truth.  Especially since one of the main reasons I started this blog in the first place was to share my experience, and hopefully help someone else in a similar situation.  I would not want someone going through a hard time to read my blog and think “I just can’t be that positive,” and then feel badly about their own attitude.  While, I do try my best to focus on the positive side of things, this is not my mood most of the time.
Losing a baby is hard.  You lose so much more than just your child.  When we lost our two sons we lost celebrating birthdays, decorating the Christmas tree, the first day of school, baseball games, prom pictures, weddings, grandchildren…the list goes on and on.  Every day is a reminder of what will never be.  We will never get to experience life with them, and that’s hard.
Dealing with the aftermath of a loss is hard. Life goes on, of course, and I get caught up in my daily routine, but then something happens and it brings it all back.  I thought I would list a few of the little things that do this. 
The other night, I was lying in bed (apparently digesting dinner) and I had a twinge in my stomach that felt just like Rex kicking.  This happens from time to time and it makes me miss him so much.  I remember when his due date was approaching, I was so worried.  I knew he was safe inside me…bouncing around…giving me heartburn.  I wanted to keep him in there forever.
Dates are now just reminders of what has been lost.  November 30th is when I found out I was pregnant with Rex.  I was overwhelmed with joy.  We had been told that Pher’s kidney issue was a fluke, so we were so hopeful for our healthy baby.  Thinking about how much has changed since that day makes me sad.  December 19th – Pher’s due date.  We should be gearing up for our son’s birthday.  Instead, we have lost another baby. 
Seeing infants is really hard.  I wish it wasn’t, because I love babies, but I can’t help but think of my own.  I avoid friends with babies and I have half of my Facebook friends blocked because seeing pictures of their babies is too hard.  Sometimes I get online and force myself to look at the pictures (desensitization therapy!)  I try to remind myself that one day I’ll have a cute, chubby, happy baby too.  It is really hard to believe it though.
Getting asked the question – “do you have kids?”  Apparently this is a common question for a young couple (I guess I didn’t really notice it before).  This one really stings.  A few weeks back Jon and I were at a baby’s 1st birthday party.  There were kids, babies and pregnant women everywhere!  I was so proud of myself for even being there.  Then we started talking to this sweet woman who had her three month old baby (the same age Rex would have been).  She started making silly faces at her infant. Then noticing we didn’t have any kids around us she said “You don’t have kids, do you? You must think I’m crazy-acting!”   What do I say?  This was a stranger…I’m not going to depress her with my sob story at a birthday party!  But at the same time I feel extremely guilty when I don’t acknowledge my boys.  I felt this same guilt often when I was pregnant with Rex.  I would get asked by strangers all the time “is this your first baby?”  Again, what do you say? 
No one said grieving would be easy.

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