Sunday, August 7, 2011

Rex's Original Due Date

Pher's estimated due date (December 19th, 2010) was a really hard day for me.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what could have been and reliving losing him.  Today, August 7th, 2011 - Rex's due date, is not especially more difficult than any other day.  I think I knew from the beginning of his pregnancy that August 7th wouldn't be our target date.  It never really stuck with me like December 19th did.  In fact, on a few occasions during our pregnancy Jon actually had to remind me when Sticky's due date was!  (I kept thinking it was August 11th).  However, it may not be especially more difficult because every day is hard...

I'm sorry that I haven't updated the blog in a while, but there is not much to say.  Our babies are still not here. and we still miss them so much. Unfortunately, I can't even report that my physical recovery has been easy or quick.  Last Monday, I noticed that my incision looked different.  Turned out that it was infected (apparently I hadn't been taking it easy enough).  The doctor had to re-open the incision and now I have a nurse come to our house every day to change the dressing.  This just postpones my recovery even further.  I want more than anything to at least feel like my old physical self again.  I'm finding that I'm very impatient!

However, I am very thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family who have helped me so much over the past few weeks.  I am especially grateful for my wonderful husband.  It helps to have someone to talk to who really understands what you are going through. We try to focus on what Pher and Rex are doing in heaven.  We think they are best friends and are currently sharing their stories to each other.  I do find comfort in knowing that they have each other. 

Thank you to all of your continued support and prayers.  They mean so much to us!

I want to end by sharing a poem with you all.  A friend of mine sent this to me today and it made me smile (and cry, of course!).

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

~Author Unknown


  1. Hugs and prayers to you! I think of you so often. I know your little guys have made some sweet little friends with kidney issues in Heaven.


  2. I can not even imagine what you are going through, even after having your incision re-opened! I just really want to hug you and I don't even know you. I hope that that doesn't creep you out.

    Your babies are up in heaven playing with each other, looking down on their mommy and daddy and are so proud of you guys.
    I know it.


  3. That poem was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.

    I can't imagine what this experience has been like for you, but I am praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way. I know that you will heal over time.