Boogie's birthday will be coming sooner than expected

Thank you so much for all of the prayers and positive thoughts you've sent us over the past two years.  We hope you don't mind if we make another request!

My water broke Wednesday morning.  I went to the hospital but the tests said it wasn't amniotic fluid.  Since I was still leaking on Thursday, I went to my OB.  While there one test came up positive for amniotic fluid, but the more reliable test did not.  It was decided that I was not leaking amniotic fluid.

Saturday night, I started having contractions (not to mention, I was still leaking) so I went back to the hospital.  This time the fluid tested positive as being amniotic fluid.  Had an ultrasound and Boogie's water is low (3.7 cm).  This brought back bad memories of Rex's many, many amniotic fluid checks.  However, the good news is that since Boogie's kidneys are healthy, he will continue to make fluid (although it will also continue to leak).  Also, good news: Boogie looks great on the fetal monitor and is measuring at 35 weeks (I'm currently 33 weeks).  His estimated weight is between 5-6 lbs.  It's a good thing we make big babies!  I have a hydrating IV, regimen of antibiotics and received one of two steroid shots (for lung development). The stressful news: The doctor informed me that when the bag is ruptured they want to deliver the baby at 34 weeks to avoid infection, so Boogie will be a preemie that will need to go to the NICU.  Praying he won't need much help and won't be there long.

Trying to stay positive, but honestly I'm a bit freaked out by all of this.  Apparently dramatic pregnancies are just how we have to do things!

Thank you so much for all of your positive thoughts and prayers.  If you would like something specific to pray for - please ask that I don't go into labor before 34 weeks and that Boogie is healthy as can be when he meets the world!  Thank you a million times!

Tree Dedication in Honor of Rex

My wonderful colleagues at Eckerd College (led mostly by my dear friend, Margie) organized and attended a beautiful memorial service and tree dedication for Rex today.  The service, led by Chaplain McMahon, was absolutely perfect.  Below are some pictures from the event.  I'm so happy to have a place on campus to visit and reflect on our sweet boys.

Here is poem that we asked Chaplain McMahon to read.

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. 

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. 

I think of you in silence. I often say your name. 

But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part. 

God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart. 

I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I’ve cried. 

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill. 

It broke my heart to lose you but you didn’t go alone 

for part of me went with you, the day God took you home.

Before the unveiling

Memorial table

Beautiful winged elm

Dragonfly that attended the memorial :)  

Plaque with Rex's actual footprints!

Proud parents

Perfect service!

Please consider supporting Team Sticky Bean

Jon, Boogie, and I are participating in the Tampa Bay PKD walk this October.

Millions of people have polycystic kidney disease worldwide. There is no cure, no treatment - but there is an immeasurable amount of hope.  Hope that one day, no one (especially babies) will suffer from this genetic, life-threatening disease.

Please check out our personal fundraising webpage - Team Sticky Bean. Also, any local friends who are interested in joining our team, please let me know.  We'd love to have you!

A cure is the finish line - and we need help to get there!  Thank you so much for your support.

Boogie Bump - 31 weeks

We had an appointment two weeks ago and were surprised that we didn't get an ultrasound (a first for us).  It was bittersweet.  While we always love a peek at our little guy, we knew the reason we weren't getting an ultrasound is because everything is healthy and normal!

Next regular check-up is Tuesday. We are seeing the doctor every 2 weeks now. On the home stretch!

He is growing! 

Boogie at 30 weeks

Here are a few pictures of our little Boogs being a cute snuggle bug.

Boogie's birthdate is set!

Since I had a classic incision with Rex, my only delivery option is a csection.  That means we are able to schedule Boogie's birthday!  We are officially booked for 9:30 AM on October 29th.  Let the countdown begin :-)

I came across a blog "Small Bird Studios" and the mother wrote the most perfect post about the various feelings one has after losing a baby.  I wanted to share it here.  I experienced every single one of these.  I was very comforted by her words, as they made me feel less alone.  Especially the one about the phantom kicks.  I felt Rex "kicking" me for many months (I was starting to think I was a little crazy!)  And the baby formula and baby gear coupons really are never-ending.  I received quite a few on Rex's should-be 1st birthday.  Nothing quite like getting a "Happy birthday baby" 20% off coupon for toys on your son's angelversary.  Too bad Fed-Ex doesn't deliver to Heaven.

When You Lose a Baby

You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You swear you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.